The Hunger Games

The Hunger Games is a film based off a series of books written by Suzanne Collins, which is about a implausible future where rich people dressed like clowns entertain themselves by making poor and sexy teenagers kill one another in a giant computerized nature dome until only one is left standing.  It's a story about young love and survival.  Ms. Collins, who saw Kinji Fukasaku's Battle Royal a few years ago, decided to copy write a book about that film from a woman's perspective.

So in this future where everyone dresses as if a homosexual Tim Burton is the only fashion designer on Earth, there are these twelve districts where all the poor, hungry people live.  Every year, two sexy teenagers from each district and one black girl (to later on be sacrificed in order to propel the story forward) are chosen to compete in the hunger games.  The use of the word hunger in the film's title is ironic, since the films leading actress Margaret Cho Jennifer Lawrence, doesn't even know that hunger is a feeling humans can experience.  Scratch method acting.

"MMM... White bread!  Thank god, all crafty serves is whole wheat."

Her character Fatniss Katniss is a growing 16 year old girl with a healthy appetite. The film begins with Katniss being all flirty with Thor's younger, less talented, uglier, less successful brother, while they casually establish the premise of the story for all those people who didn't waste their time reading the book.

Through a series of obvious and contrived events, Katniss and a douche named Peeta become their district's tributes.  Instantly, we see a clear dichotomy between their personalities.  Katniss is the strong, silent type, whereas Peeta is the "will tickle your butt hole if you don't stab me" type.  Surely we are in for a wild ride.

"How the fuck am I an actor?"

After some simplistic plot establishment featuring Sawyer from Lost and Lenny Kravitz, and some other bullshit featuring the human clown hybrids of Panem, and some more bullshit from a generic evil old white guy and his closeted homosexual assistant, and the fact that you've suspended your disbelief over the completely unrealistic behavior of people in this dumb fictional world that Collin's sharted out of her vagina while having her period, we're ready for Jennifer Lawrence is fat the hunger games to begin!

"Please let me shave"

Immediately, half of the tributes are ruthlessly slaughtered within the first 45 seconds of the game's start.  This is because it would be hard to tell a coherent story with so many characters, I mean, this isn't Battle Royale or anything.

Perhaps my favorite part of the film is the "gang of cool kids" that unite, it's summer camp all over again.  Didn't they read the rules?  Even if they successfully kill all the other tributes, only one of them can survive, so why are they so friendly?  It isn't like they're united by fear, uncertainty, innocence, or some other believable reason, no, they just all worked the same Abercrombie until they got their acting breaks as douche bag # 1,2,3, and 4 in American Pie number who gives a fuck.

"The Blob from X-men called, he wants his arms back!"

By the way, 95% of this film is Jennifer Lawrence sitting on a branch in a tree, a branch that is reinforced off camera by what I can only guess is some kind of steel/titanium composite alloy designed to withstand incredible downward force.  It's not literally 95% of the film, but somehow her acting ability is able to bend space and time and make it feel that way.

"Man, what I wouldn't do for a can of frosting and a spoon right now..."

Why is Rue black?  I saw a lot of people asking this online.  I'll tell you why.  It's because in the future, segregation STILL somehow exists, even among the districts, so naturally, by having Rue come from an all black district, director Gary Ross was able to show black people rioting, burning things down, and having a general disrespect for authority the moment Rue is impaled by a javelin.  Not only do we get to reinforce negative stereotypes about futuristic black people through the magic of cinema, we learn what a fucking mockingjay is.

But what really launches this film into the upper stratospheres of assholery is this.

"I speak for the rocks for the rocks have no tongues"

Really?  REALLY?  How... What... Huh?? This can't possibly be what happens in the novels.  If so, Suzanne Collins is a cunt...what do you mean I can't say "cunt", she's a cunt for writing this fantastic writer..

The rest of the film is pretty generic.  Katniss somehow manages to resist cannibalizing the defenseless Peeta despite her lack of calories, and the two pseudo lovers inspire enough sympathy among the race of clown people to force a ridiculous change of rules to the game that don't make sense in the brutal world Collins establishes, allowing both of them to survive, infuriating the uber-republican Coriolanus Snow (who hates poor people) and setting up the premise for the following two films.

All in all, not too bad.  Strangely, the obnoxiousness of all the characters blend together pleasantly, making the overall viewing experience tolerable.  The camera work is great, but who gives a shit about that.  

"I wish I had a college degree to fall back on"