"Hawk Eye sucks, but at least I'm not playing Hansel in a gritty Hansel and Gretel reboot that's sure to fail at the box office"
The film begins with Cobie Smulders wondering why she's in this film. Nick Fury is experimenting on the Asgardian tesseract when all of a sudden Loki randomly appears and steals the cube while simultaneously mind controlling Hawk Eye and the scientist, an event the audience instantaneously discards from their memory because no cares about either of them.
In a moment of contrived desperation, Nick Fury begins to recruit the Avengers.
"This is definitely going to help against aliens from another dimension."
The film actually begins around the twenty minute mark when Iron Man is introduced. Iron man is an important character for the film, because unlike Captain America, he can do things that a normal person such as you or I cannot do.
"It irks me when people of the proletarian class discover my blog, goop.com"
They discover Loki in Germany and decide to send in Captain America for comic relief. Keep in mind that Captain America is someone who will die if his parachute malfunctions. Loki and Cap fight, although it isn't so much a fight as it is Loki actively restraining himself from killing Captain America every two seconds because he could accidentally do so at any moment, which would ruin his plan.
Iron Man arrives and arrests Loki. Loki says, "good thing your boyfriend showed up", and Chris Evans shamefully adverts his eyes towards the ground.
"Why don't you just let me borrow one of your suits you asshole? Even that one you used to escape the middle east would be better than this dumb fucking shield."
While they take Loki back to the sky fort, Thor breaks in and steals him away. Iron Man heroically races off towards them with his rocket boots, while Captain America anxiously contemplates whether or not he should jump off the plane and risk becoming one of the twenty-five people a year who experience parachute failure during sky diving, although in the ten seconds he took to think about it, the high powered futuristic jet is already so far away from the drop zone that he couldn't realistically land anywhere near them... right?
Wrong. While Iron Man and Thor are entertaining the audience by hammering each other, Captain Asshole shows up to ruin the party by keeping the movie on schedule. It was at this moment I realized that Chris Evan's character is not Captain America, but actually Cogsworth from Beauty and the Beast.
"If you guys keep doing cool stuff and giving the audience what they want, how the fuck are we ever going to wrap up act 1?"
Using the only "attack" he has, he throws his shield at Thor, which comically bounces off his unprotected forehead. Thor then apparently decides he's going to start killing humans, because unless he was able to detect the Adamantium/Vibranium alloy composition of Captain America's shield using only the tactile sensors of the skin on his forehead during the brief millisecond that the shield took to ricochet off his cranium, then he couldn't have known that his hammer wouldn't just annihilate Captain America.
"Chris, note how what charges me up to 400% power would murder you instantaneously"
After what I call, "the boring, uninteresting part of the Avengers", the part where everyone on the flying ship gets paranoid and angry at each other for completely unrealistic, out of character, unwarranted, and poorly written reasons, leading to the catalyst where Hawk idiot returns and triggers Banner to turn into the Hulk, the entertainment resumes.
"Am I useful yet? Nope."
Hawk guy blows out one of the flying aircraft carriers engines causing the ship to lose altitude which will eventually lead to the carrier to crash into the Los Angeles neighborhood of Silver Lake (because I hate Silver Lake, and everyone who lives there)
I love the following scene. Iron Man leaps into action, proving once again that he is a super hero and belongs in a film about super heroes, as he manually tries to restart the engine with his rocket boots and super human strength. All he needs from Captain America (or any other person on the ship, or you or I if we were in the movie, or even a person in a wheel chair) is for him to pull a lever.
Fortunately, Captain America is able to heroically climb a rope fast enough to reach the lever, temporarily slowing the 4 million ton turbine that Iron Man just started with his rocket boots after cutting through titanium with lasers in order to reach the turbine in the first place, which allows Iron Man to safely escape, so he can later defend Earth from an alien invasion.
"Can I just be Human Torch again in Avengers 2?"
Thor and Hulk fight, Loki kills that annoying guy and escapes, and the team is united through tragedy. The Avengers are assembled, which conveniently is the exact moment that the aliens open their portal to Earth.
The second the portal opens, Iron Man once again demonstrates his worth by flying directly towards the portal and destroying more aliens in five seconds than Captain America, Black Widow, and Hawk Eye kill for the remainder of the film, combined.
"Knife to a gun fight? Never heard of it."
The remaining action sequences of the film are impressive. Thor summons a lightning storm using a skyscraper, Hulk jumps from hovering space slug to hovering space slug, and Iron Man flies a nuclear bomb into a worm hole. In case the action is too much, don't worry, spliced intermittently are scenes of Captain America parkour'ing over police cars, Hawk Eye shooting aliens one by one with a bow and arrow, and Black Window shooting space ships with a pistol.
"Wait, some actors don't use their real names?"
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