The Avengers

The Avengers is the film adaptation of Marvel's comic book series, "Ultimate Avengers", where everything is the same as "Regular Avengers" except that Nick Fury is black.  The film is about Iron Man, Hulk, and Thor, defeating Thor's evil step brother Loki and a giant army of space lizards, while Captain America, breasts in spandex Scarlett Johansson, and some bow and arrow idiot save ethnic children from burning vehicles because who are we kidding, they're fucking useless.

"Hawk Eye sucks, but at least I'm not playing Hansel in a gritty Hansel and Gretel reboot that's sure to fail at the box office"

The film begins with Cobie Smulders wondering why she's in this film.  Nick Fury is experimenting on the Asgardian tesseract when all of a sudden Loki randomly appears and steals the cube while simultaneously mind controlling Hawk Eye and the scientist, an event the audience instantaneously discards from their memory because no cares about either of them.

In a moment of contrived desperation, Nick Fury begins to recruit the Avengers.

"This is definitely going to help against aliens from another dimension."

The film actually begins around the twenty minute mark when Iron Man is introduced.  Iron man is an important character for the film, because unlike Captain America, he can do things that a normal person such as you or I cannot do.

"It irks me when people of the proletarian class discover my blog, goop.com" 

They discover Loki in Germany and decide to send in Captain America for comic relief. Keep in mind that Captain America is someone who will die if his parachute malfunctions.  Loki and Cap fight, although it isn't so much a fight as it is Loki actively restraining himself from killing Captain America every two seconds because he could accidentally do so at any moment, which would ruin his plan.

Iron Man arrives and arrests Loki.  Loki says, "good thing your boyfriend showed up", and Chris Evans shamefully adverts his eyes towards the ground.

"Why don't you just let me borrow one of your suits you asshole?  Even that one you used to escape the middle east would be better than this dumb fucking shield."

While they take Loki back to the sky fort, Thor breaks in and steals him away.  Iron Man heroically races off towards them with his rocket boots, while Captain America anxiously contemplates whether or not he should jump off the plane and risk becoming one of the twenty-five people a year who experience parachute failure during sky diving, although in the ten seconds he took to think about it, the high powered futuristic jet is already so far away from the drop zone that he couldn't realistically land anywhere near them... right?

Wrong.  While Iron Man and Thor are entertaining the audience by hammering each other, Captain Asshole shows up to ruin the party by keeping the movie on schedule.  It was at this moment I realized that Chris Evan's character is not Captain America, but actually Cogsworth from Beauty and the Beast.

"If you guys keep doing cool stuff and giving the audience what they want, how the fuck are we ever going to wrap up act 1?"

Using the only "attack" he has, he throws his shield at Thor, which comically bounces off his unprotected forehead.  Thor then apparently decides he's going to start killing humans, because unless he was able to detect the Adamantium/Vibranium alloy composition of Captain America's shield using only the tactile sensors of the skin on his forehead during the brief millisecond that the shield took to ricochet off his cranium, then he couldn't have known that his hammer wouldn't just annihilate Captain America. 

"Chris, note how what charges me up to 400% power would murder you instantaneously"

After what I call, "the boring, uninteresting part of the Avengers", the part where everyone on the flying ship gets paranoid and angry at each other for completely unrealistic, out of character, unwarranted, and poorly written reasons, leading to the catalyst where Hawk idiot returns and triggers Banner to turn into the Hulk, the entertainment resumes.

"Am I useful yet? Nope."

Hawk guy blows out one of the flying aircraft carriers engines causing the ship to lose altitude which will eventually lead to the carrier to crash into the Los Angeles neighborhood of Silver Lake (because I hate Silver Lake, and everyone who lives there)

I love the following scene. Iron Man leaps into action, proving once again that he is a super hero and belongs in a film about super heroes, as he manually tries to restart the engine with his rocket boots and super human strength.  All he needs from Captain America (or any other person on the ship, or you or I if we were in the movie, or even a person in a wheel chair) is for him to pull a lever.

Fortunately, Captain America is able to heroically climb a rope fast enough to reach the lever, temporarily slowing the 4 million ton turbine that Iron Man just started with his rocket boots after cutting through titanium with lasers in order to reach the turbine in the first place, which allows Iron Man to safely escape, so he can later defend Earth from an alien invasion.

"Can I just be Human Torch again in Avengers 2?"

Thor and Hulk fight, Loki kills that annoying guy and escapes, and the team is united through tragedy.  The Avengers are assembled, which conveniently is the exact moment that the aliens open their portal to Earth.

The second the portal opens, Iron Man once again demonstrates his worth by flying directly towards the portal and destroying more aliens in five seconds than Captain America, Black Widow, and Hawk Eye kill for the remainder of the film, combined.

"Knife to a gun fight? Never heard of it."

The remaining action sequences of the film are impressive. Thor summons a lightning storm using a skyscraper, Hulk jumps from hovering space slug to hovering space slug, and Iron Man flies a nuclear bomb into a worm hole.  In case the action is too much, don't worry, spliced intermittently are scenes of Captain America parkour'ing over police cars, Hawk Eye shooting aliens one by one with a bow and arrow, and Black Window shooting space ships with a pistol.

"Wait, some actors don't use their real names?"

The end.

The Hunger Games

The Hunger Games is a film based off a series of books written by Suzanne Collins, which is about a implausible future where rich people dressed like clowns entertain themselves by making poor and sexy teenagers kill one another in a giant computerized nature dome until only one is left standing.  It's a story about young love and survival.  Ms. Collins, who saw Kinji Fukasaku's Battle Royal a few years ago, decided to copy write a book about that film from a woman's perspective.

So in this future where everyone dresses as if a homosexual Tim Burton is the only fashion designer on Earth, there are these twelve districts where all the poor, hungry people live.  Every year, two sexy teenagers from each district and one black girl (to later on be sacrificed in order to propel the story forward) are chosen to compete in the hunger games.  The use of the word hunger in the film's title is ironic, since the films leading actress Margaret Cho Jennifer Lawrence, doesn't even know that hunger is a feeling humans can experience.  Scratch method acting.

"MMM... White bread!  Thank god, all crafty serves is whole wheat."

Her character Fatniss Katniss is a growing 16 year old girl with a healthy appetite. The film begins with Katniss being all flirty with Thor's younger, less talented, uglier, less successful brother, while they casually establish the premise of the story for all those people who didn't waste their time reading the book.

Through a series of obvious and contrived events, Katniss and a douche named Peeta become their district's tributes.  Instantly, we see a clear dichotomy between their personalities.  Katniss is the strong, silent type, whereas Peeta is the "will tickle your butt hole if you don't stab me" type.  Surely we are in for a wild ride.

"How the fuck am I an actor?"

After some simplistic plot establishment featuring Sawyer from Lost and Lenny Kravitz, and some other bullshit featuring the human clown hybrids of Panem, and some more bullshit from a generic evil old white guy and his closeted homosexual assistant, and the fact that you've suspended your disbelief over the completely unrealistic behavior of people in this dumb fictional world that Collin's sharted out of her vagina while having her period, we're ready for Jennifer Lawrence is fat the hunger games to begin!

"Please let me shave"

Immediately, half of the tributes are ruthlessly slaughtered within the first 45 seconds of the game's start.  This is because it would be hard to tell a coherent story with so many characters, I mean, this isn't Battle Royale or anything.

Perhaps my favorite part of the film is the "gang of cool kids" that unite, it's summer camp all over again.  Didn't they read the rules?  Even if they successfully kill all the other tributes, only one of them can survive, so why are they so friendly?  It isn't like they're united by fear, uncertainty, innocence, or some other believable reason, no, they just all worked the same Abercrombie until they got their acting breaks as douche bag # 1,2,3, and 4 in American Pie number who gives a fuck.

"The Blob from X-men called, he wants his arms back!"

By the way, 95% of this film is Jennifer Lawrence sitting on a branch in a tree, a branch that is reinforced off camera by what I can only guess is some kind of steel/titanium composite alloy designed to withstand incredible downward force.  It's not literally 95% of the film, but somehow her acting ability is able to bend space and time and make it feel that way.

"Man, what I wouldn't do for a can of frosting and a spoon right now..."

Why is Rue black?  I saw a lot of people asking this online.  I'll tell you why.  It's because in the future, segregation STILL somehow exists, even among the districts, so naturally, by having Rue come from an all black district, director Gary Ross was able to show black people rioting, burning things down, and having a general disrespect for authority the moment Rue is impaled by a javelin.  Not only do we get to reinforce negative stereotypes about futuristic black people through the magic of cinema, we learn what a fucking mockingjay is.

But what really launches this film into the upper stratospheres of assholery is this.

"I speak for the rocks for the rocks have no tongues"

Really?  REALLY?  How... What... Huh?? This can't possibly be what happens in the novels.  If so, Suzanne Collins is a cunt...what do you mean I can't say "cunt", she's a cunt for writing this fantastic writer..

The rest of the film is pretty generic.  Katniss somehow manages to resist cannibalizing the defenseless Peeta despite her lack of calories, and the two pseudo lovers inspire enough sympathy among the race of clown people to force a ridiculous change of rules to the game that don't make sense in the brutal world Collins establishes, allowing both of them to survive, infuriating the uber-republican Coriolanus Snow (who hates poor people) and setting up the premise for the following two films.

All in all, not too bad.  Strangely, the obnoxiousness of all the characters blend together pleasantly, making the overall viewing experience tolerable.  The camera work is great, but who gives a shit about that.  

"I wish I had a college degree to fall back on"